Monday, January 5, 2009

What I'm Thinking

What I'm thinking is that I've come a long way. I'm really not that angst-ridden teenage girl, hiding in the library, anymore. I'm also thinking that I'm really happy with where my life is in this very moment. In this very moment, I am listening to the music I want to listen to, reading the book that I want to read, writing the words that I want to write, sipping the drink that I want to drink. And so on, and so on.

I'm thinking...that I wish I could reach out to certain people. And tell them, in their low points, that things are not always that bad. And that the opportunity to change your life is always lingering in the next thirty seconds. Or maybe the next three.

I may not have the perfect life, perfect job, perfect body...blah blah blah. But you know what, to me they are, because they are mine. Mine. Mine. I don't need to measure myself against anyone in order to prove my self worth. The only person I want to compete against is myself, again and again.

I have days where I come home from work and I seriously think "What am I doing? I didn't sign up for this. This isn't what I wanted to do. I wanted to make films. I wanted to write books. I wanted to people to realize my potential." I've figured out that I will always have those thoughts...but they are actually a blessing. They keep my motivated to do better than I am doing currently. I am not going to be a teacher's assistant for the rest of my life, or even for the next five years. My life is always right ahead of me with every new tomorrow.

I HAVE to keep my chin up. I have to. The second I start thinking about how I should have networked more, should have sent out more resumes, should have made more calls, should have written more emails, cover letters, pitches, etc....when I start doing that, I start down spiraling into a fit of over analyzation.

The thought of becoming a teacher and never pursuing my dreams of writing or creating films, because I'm comfortable, scares the ever living crap out of me.

I don't want to get comfortable. I can't let myself. I won't let myself.

But you know what, I can't sit around and wait for the economy to get better so I can start an entry-level assistant job at a broadcasting company that, certainly, will pay more, however may not really help me in the long run.

At least when I go to work I feel like I'm doing SOMETHING. And if I don't feel it at the school, I definitely do when I'm running ABA or socialization sessions.

This is one aspect of my life. Only one. Right now, because I'm working 3 jobs in the field, it's a big part of my life. But it will not define who I am. And I do enjoy it most days.

I will never stop moving. I will never stop trying my hardest at EVERY aspect in my life.

I wish I was able to think this way earlier in my life, but I'm happy that I can now. I'm happy that something clicked along the way.

And I hope I never stop re-analyzing who I am and reinventing parts of my personality.

That's all I wanted to say, really.

Actually there was one more thing I wanted to say.
There are events in life, that you hope will go on forever. Marriage for one. Or a relationship. Friendships. Dentist appointments. Those types of things.

Sometimes they end. And it sucks. It really, really sucks. It hurts and you want to make everyone around you, who IS happy, hurt just as much as you are hurting.
Those things ended, simply because they didn't work anymore.
Just like life ends when your body doesn't work anymore.

You can't be afraid to try those things again and again. I am not saying that if you shy away from these things that you will never be happy. You could be. It depends on your definition of happiness.

But in the end we are social creatures. We crave the feeling we get when we get close to someone, whether that be of a romantic or platonic nature. It's actually on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. It involves the giving, and receiving of love, affection, and sense of belonging in order to cope with innate feelings of loneliness we have.

Don't deny what feels good. And don't deny yourself the potential to feel good again, if it doesn't work out. Even if it doesn't work out again, and again. I think it's worth it to keep hoping that the right person, at the right moment, will make you believe in yourself every day.

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