dear person or persons i used to know

This is an open letter to several people that have come and gone in my life, rather than a specific individual.

Dear person or persons I once knew,

Or rather, person I thought I knew? Or perhaps I never knew you, and in actuality, this is who you are. I never thought I'd be genuinely repulsed and confused by you.

Well, actually, you always confused me. Of course, a growing fascination and admiration closely followed that confusion, yet the confusion was the foundation for it all. I made a lot of mistakes, and I still make a lot of them, but you were never very forgiving.

I realized tonight that I kind of hate you. Maybe that's what happens when someone you loved turns out to be someone different, or changes. Maybe I've never moved past the anger stage, although I think I have, since I have acquired a certain understanding from your perspective. It is not as if I had never been in your place. I've dumped people and they hated me for it. At least 1 out of the 2 has gotten over it, or at least that's how it appeared when I ran into him. But the other one may still hate me. And that's fine.

Breaking up with someone is a deplorable thing to do in any case, but the sin is easily forgiven when one realizes that the act of breaking up is done in graciousness rather than malice.

I don't know if you truly wanted me to be happy though. I don't think we'll ever be real friends. You don't ever care that much about your friendships, at least you don't care enough to maintain one long enough to stay close with the person in question.

It's okay I don't really want a half-assed friendship. I have 2 friends that I consider GOOD friends, and that's all I really need. They WANT to see me, and I WANT to see them. I think that's pretty much the definition of a good friend.

When it's your curiosity that solely leads you back to me, let me just tell you that I have absolutely no intention of entertaining your curiosity in any shape or form.

I'm an exceptionally successful, bright, and intuitive young woman and I really don't need anyone's negative perspectives weighing me down. I don't need or respect the drama that comes a long with your juvenile instincts.

I won't be held down.

The Confident List

Here's something I just recently thought of doing. Make a playlist on your ipod or mp3 player, but only put songs that make you extremely happy and want to dance without caring. Set your alarm clock to wake you up with this list. Go to this play-list whenever someone makes you feel incompetent, and know that they are wrong.

Only YOU can let someone make you feel that way. And only you can push yourself into a better mood.

Whenever my boyfriend or I are starting out the day in a cranky mood, we usually text each other saying the day is going to be great, awesome, amazing, fabulous. Whatever perky and over the top adjective we can come up with, we use. I'm not sure about him, but it usually makes me smile when he tells me "Today is going to be so awesome that you'll be throwing up awesomeness all over."

Shaping your character

Last night i went to the movies with a friend to see "Post Grad," with Alexis Bledel. While it really wasn't anything to write home about, I found myself vastly interested in the upcoming movies previewed in the coming attractions.

One of these films was An Education.

Now, I'm not sure of the exact quote, but it was something a long the lines of "We build character by doing things. If we never did anything, we would never be anyone."

This started me pondering on our modern society and how screwed up our communication is.

I'm not really one to judge, since I'm guilty of logging into Facebook much more than once a day. However, we live day to day by these digital windows. We are attached to our iphones, ipods, cameras, computers, and many more which I'm sure are in development. And we do nothing.

We do absolutely nothing as we waste our time trying to get a glimpse into other people's lives. How very sad.

I'm not sure who I want to be, or exactly what I want to do, and that may change every day for the rest of my life. I'm disastrously bad at making concrete decisions.

Yet, I do know that I desire to make something of myself. I want to be good at something and leave some kind of mark on the world with the life that I have been granted.

I don't want to waste away in this digital age.

The Calling Game: Advice to men on the games women play when it comes to the phone.

The thing is . . . a lot of the time we don’t even realize we are playing a game until we’ve won. Or lost.
And sometimes we totally know we are testing you.
“How,” you ask “do you differentiate between the two?”
You don’t.
Because, really, you can’t.
Whether you are in the beginning phases of dating, or in an exclusive relationship, there are really only two steps that are worth memorizing.
Step 1: Pick up your phone.
Step 2: Dial.

Or search your contacts for the number, it doesn't really matter because the result is the same.

Adam says, "Brianna doesn't act like she's interested, but then she mentions hanging out. But then she doesn't call.”

And she won't.
Because she wants you to.

Quite honestly, if you really like the girl, that's exactly what you should do.
Otherwise we're telling all of our friends "Well, he didn't call and if he was really interested, he would."


We pretend we aren't interested in order to get your attention.
We keep ourselves from calling you for 24 hours, hoping you'll realize you miss us and finally pick up the phone to tell us "Hey! I miss you, woman."

Then when you don't call, we assume it's because you're playing the same game, waiting to see if we'll call first.

Men, you may think that we are obsessing and over analyzing (and we are)
but you have to realize something very important.
We seriously cannot help it.
Women and Men have very ways of processing thoughts and they also have very different ways of communicating those thoughts.

Men don't notice certain things that women always do.
For example:
Men don't keep track of who's initiating phone calls or text messages.
Women do. All the time. If she is the one initiating contact, she notices. And it makes her feel like you don’t care enough to call/text/email first.

Men typically don't call one another just to say Hi. So why would they call a girl just to say Hi?

Men don't talk just to talk. Or call just to talk.
Men just do things. Women talk about them for hours, then do them.


The bottom line: If you haven’t heard from your girl in 24 hours. It’s a test. We don’t do it on purpose. But we still do it.

The very belated theatric review of DUST.

First of all, it's been a while since I've last seen a straight play. In fact, it's been almost a year since I was blown away by the off-broadway performance of Apartment 3A, penned by Jeff Daniels. Dust wasn't nearly as good as that performance, but it did have some excellent qualities about it.

For instance,
the scenery and stage set up was extraordinary. Sliding sets made it easy for quick scene changes and it never distracted or took away from the overall movement of the plot.

Speaking of the plot...

Dust, written by Billy Goda, is billed as a dark thriller. Which makes about as much sense to me as pig latin. The plot involves the two main characters of business entrepreneur, Martin Stone and ex-con, Zeke Catchman as they escalate a conflict that, literally, started from dust.

While working out in a hotel gym, Martin notices a coating of dust on the air vent above the treadmill. He notifies Zeke of his obnoxious complaint, who refuses to comply to Martin's request that he clean the vent himself. In the end Martin has Zeke fired from his job, which leaves ball in Zeke's court.

It's all very silly.

I understand the concept, and it's actually quite creative at first glance. Yet my problem with this particular performance is that the characters are completely underdeveloped. The character with the most depth is Martin's daugher/Zeke's romantic interest, Jenny, and she doesn't have nearly enough stage-time throughout the run time of the show.

There's stalking, property damage, crack addiction, money, sex and booze.
But in it's attempts to be thrilling, the plot points are really just about as deep as the characters.

I won't say I didn't enjoy it. I did.
I thought it had a great deal of potential and who ever was chosen to create the sets for this play deserves to be commended because it created a very intimate atmosphere.

The chemistry between the characters of Zeke and Jenny was also easily felt.
I just didn't find the conflict, in general, convincing enough.

And while I adore ambiguous endings, this just seemed like they weren't sure where to end it.

I'm still glad I saw it. It was nice to be reminded of the plays that aren't musicals, and I'm going to plan a trip to see Equus sometime soon.

Being The Good Girl

I know I'm a good girl. Actually scratch that. I'm THE Good Girl.

Up until about 5 or 6 months ago, I always put others before myself. I was constantly thinking of my ex-boyfriend's wants and needs without fulfilling my own. I was needy. I was over-emotional. I was a in rut, having graduated college and moving home for the first time in 2 years. I was totally had a "What Now?" mentality.

I was always over-analyzing the things I did for people, could of done for people and should have done for people. If I experienced the case of a person not liking me, for whatever reason, I would hurt myself over and over again questioning if it was something I had done and what I could do to make a better impression.

And now...I don't really care anymore.

I don't mean to say that I don't care about the people I love. I would take a bullet for some of my close friends. But I've evolved to the point where I realize that when it comes to other people's opinions, I have no say.

I've had so many experiences, with guys and otherwise, where someone will make a comment about how I think I'm too good for people. Usually because they find out that I don't really drink, go to clubs or bars, or party.

Example: There is a particular guy who will ask me periodically what I did during my one day off (Saturdays, for those of you that don't know me.)

Up until very recently (think, the last couple of weeks) it would usually go something like this.

Wake Up.
Shower.
Go on Facebook.
Call one of my close friends.
Maybe go get lunch.
Maybe go to Borders.
Maybe go to a Coffee shop.
Write a little.
Take a bath.
Rent a movie.
Sleep.

For some reason, if my plans didn't involve "getting wasted," or "partying," this particular person would imply that I'm a boring prude.

The last time he asked this question, I actually told him the name of some bars I've been going to lately.
His response: "Oh so you finally have a life? That's good. You're only 22."

Honestly...I feel good that I've been going out more. I feel more social. I feel like I'm filling my time with something other than just hanging around, haunting the internet.

But I'm very careful about what I do during this time.

I like to go to Karaoke Night every Wednesday. Not because it's Ladies Night and there are free drinks (There are, and I actually don't normally take advantage of that.)
But because I adore singing. And I adore the people I go there with.

Usually, when I choose to go out to a bar or a club, it's not because I particularly like those places (I hate them.) It's because I really, really enjoy the company of the people I am going with and would rather spend my time with them in a place I hate, then not spend time with them.

In the past, I've had a hard time trying to prove that I'm a fun person, but now I just don't care anymore.

I have no inhibitions.

I do the most ridiculous things. From making stupid videos with my cousin, to interviewing my entire family with a My Little Pony, because I'm stuck in a car for 2 hours.

And I don't really care anymore what people think about me.

I think the good girl, can be the fun girl also. And the smart girl. And I don't need any of these classifications to define myself anyway.

Why Infatuation Makes Us INSANE.

Also, why it's completely unnecessary.

Hi. My name is Infatuation.
You may know my second-cousin. Her name is Obsession.
And my sister's friend's sister is named Complete Psycho-Bitch.

We are a pretty tight group. A lot of people don't realize how close we are.

Infatuation makes it especially hard to realize who we are getting involved with in the beginning stages of getting to know someone we want to be closer with. It rocks us out of orbit most of the time. But usually only the FIRST time we experience it. We have those cuddly warm "he's totally the one," feelings and we don't want to deny them, because isn't that what we've been "waiting for so long" for?

Most people want very much to live their lives like their favorite romantic comedy. It's just not really possible. Life isn't leading up to some cute happy ending where the funny, nice guy gets the girl in the end. Life isn't really leading up to ANYTHING, except death.

Keep that in mind. And don't be cynical about it.

You need to MAKE your phenomenal moments happen. They happen all of the time and you need to cherish them or you'll miss them completely.

Infatuation always makes us feel like this person is the reason we were born. In reality, we don't know why we're here, do we? Sure there are scientific and theological opinions on the subject, but can anyone give me a clear and definitive answer to "Why are we here," or "What's the point in life?"

I didn't think so.

Don't get me wrong.

You can and should let yourself get swept away in those crazy feelings of love and lust, because it's one of the most amazing emotions in the world. However, you need to keep part of yourself grounded.

Don't obsess. Don't stalk his Facebook, Myspace, Aim, Xanga, LiveJournal, YouTube, Don't check if he's updated these pages every day. Don't check your phone consistently for text messages. Don't check your phone at all. In fact, turn off your phone if you find yourself doing this.

When you go out with your friends (especially your girlfriends) do not be secretly wanting him to call. You will only ruin the night for yourself, and maybe your friends too.

Don't talk about him constantly. It's understandable when you first meet him, but your friends don't need to hear how amazing he is all the time. Chances are they don't think he's as amazing as you think he is anyway, they just really want to see you happy.

Do these statements sound familiar?

"I'm madly in love with him."

Do you know what mad means? Well it can mean angry. Or it can me eccentric. Either way, it doesn't sound too good.

"I just know he's the one. You know?"

Sometimes you do know, but supply a reason. You don't "just know." There's a reason.

"I never thought I could have someone so great."

Whoa. Back up. Why wouldn't you think you deserve someone "so great?" You should know it. And if you didn't, you should re-evaluate yourself before you get involved with anyone.


Listen, sometimes you can't avoid infatuation. You could genuinely really be into the guy. And he could geniunely really be into you as well. But when you feel those butterflies, be cautious.
Butterflies are pretty, but they are still bugs. And they're in your stomach.
Now tell me that's not gross.

What I'm Thinking

What I'm thinking is that I've come a long way. I'm really not that angst-ridden teenage girl, hiding in the library, anymore. I'm also thinking that I'm really happy with where my life is in this very moment. In this very moment, I am listening to the music I want to listen to, reading the book that I want to read, writing the words that I want to write, sipping the drink that I want to drink. And so on, and so on.

I'm thinking...that I wish I could reach out to certain people. And tell them, in their low points, that things are not always that bad. And that the opportunity to change your life is always lingering in the next thirty seconds. Or maybe the next three.

I may not have the perfect life, perfect job, perfect body...blah blah blah. But you know what, to me they are, because they are mine. Mine. Mine. I don't need to measure myself against anyone in order to prove my self worth. The only person I want to compete against is myself, again and again.

I have days where I come home from work and I seriously think "What am I doing? I didn't sign up for this. This isn't what I wanted to do. I wanted to make films. I wanted to write books. I wanted to people to realize my potential." I've figured out that I will always have those thoughts...but they are actually a blessing. They keep my motivated to do better than I am doing currently. I am not going to be a teacher's assistant for the rest of my life, or even for the next five years. My life is always right ahead of me with every new tomorrow.

I HAVE to keep my chin up. I have to. The second I start thinking about how I should have networked more, should have sent out more resumes, should have made more calls, should have written more emails, cover letters, pitches, etc....when I start doing that, I start down spiraling into a fit of over analyzation.

The thought of becoming a teacher and never pursuing my dreams of writing or creating films, because I'm comfortable, scares the ever living crap out of me.

I don't want to get comfortable. I can't let myself. I won't let myself.

But you know what, I can't sit around and wait for the economy to get better so I can start an entry-level assistant job at a broadcasting company that, certainly, will pay more, however may not really help me in the long run.

At least when I go to work I feel like I'm doing SOMETHING. And if I don't feel it at the school, I definitely do when I'm running ABA or socialization sessions.

This is one aspect of my life. Only one. Right now, because I'm working 3 jobs in the field, it's a big part of my life. But it will not define who I am. And I do enjoy it most days.

I will never stop moving. I will never stop trying my hardest at EVERY aspect in my life.

I wish I was able to think this way earlier in my life, but I'm happy that I can now. I'm happy that something clicked along the way.

And I hope I never stop re-analyzing who I am and reinventing parts of my personality.

That's all I wanted to say, really.

*UPDATE*
Actually there was one more thing I wanted to say.
There are events in life, that you hope will go on forever. Marriage for one. Or a relationship. Friendships. Dentist appointments. Those types of things.

Sometimes they end. And it sucks. It really, really sucks. It hurts and you want to make everyone around you, who IS happy, hurt just as much as you are hurting.
Those things ended, simply because they didn't work anymore.
Just like life ends when your body doesn't work anymore.

You can't be afraid to try those things again and again. I am not saying that if you shy away from these things that you will never be happy. You could be. It depends on your definition of happiness.

But in the end we are social creatures. We crave the feeling we get when we get close to someone, whether that be of a romantic or platonic nature. It's actually on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. It involves the giving, and receiving of love, affection, and sense of belonging in order to cope with innate feelings of loneliness we have.

Don't deny what feels good. And don't deny yourself the potential to feel good again, if it doesn't work out. Even if it doesn't work out again, and again. I think it's worth it to keep hoping that the right person, at the right moment, will make you believe in yourself every day.

2 posts in one night...What is this about?

It's about phonezoo.com actually.

I was creating some new ring tones and it dawned on me that I've never actually plugged this website that I absolutely adore.

I find it gut-wrenching-ly (which may or may not be an actual word, but back off) ridiculous that people pay $2.oo for ringtones. I'm serious. It truly makes me want to throw up all over something or somebody.

Also, there are millions of websites all over the internets that claim to offer free ringtones. Most of these are scams. And the ones that aren't scams just suck.

So, now that I've spoken my mind about those sites. Here's one that's actually worth checking out.

Here's the link again: Phonzoo DOT Com

They allow you to upload your own MP3s to the site and convert it to a ringtone.

The reason it's not illegal:
If the file has copyright protection, the site will verify it. Meaning, you can still send the file to YOUR personal phone, but others that use the site can't.

The ringtones end up having extrodinary sound quality because it's straight from your own Mp3s you have right there on your computer. Kind of cool, am I wrong?

I'm never wrong.

Use it. Stop paying for your ringtones.

Do it.

Now.

Bye.

My New Book

Think Like A Guy: How to Get a Guy by Thinking Like One.
By E! News Anchor Giuliana DePandi

So I recently took a trip to the Barnes and Noble Self Help section, and I think I've discovered a new gem. I'm about two chapters in so far, and although, I can't say I agree with everything DePandi states about the game of Boy Meets Girl, a lot of it makes sense. The writing style is very tongue-in-cheek, almost reminiscent of other favorites of mine, Skinny Bitch, or He's Just Not That Into You. However, the fact that DePandi is, in fact, a successful woman makes this book that much worthwhile to invest my time and money in.

This "guide," delivers advice such as;

Tip #16 Don't Obsess Over Babies and Puppies

Tip #34 Don't Nag Him to Validate Your Relationship

Tip #37 Don't Drag Him Out Shopping

Tip #40 Don't Always Leave Him with the Bill


The reason I love this

Being a traditionalist is not necessarily wrong. I don't think any opinions are right or wrong, but some are massively asckewed. My belief is that the key to being genuinely happy is putting yourself above all things. It's important for me as a woman, to be able to change my flat tire, buy my own chicken soup when I'm sick, and learn how to hold my own hand when I'm feeling vurnerable. Love isn't about needing someone, it's about wanting to be with someone that makes your life that much more fufilled.

Gender norms and stereotypes make independent women out to be complete bitches and absolutely disregard the fact that it's necessary in life to be able to take care of yourself first.

You have to hold onto yourself before you can find someone special to hold onto.

And that's my opinion.